Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
