that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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