areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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