he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Randomize
