Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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