Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Ketchup is God's man juice
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
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