Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
i think i just naturally attract stoners
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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