MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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