All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
