I heard we made out
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
we're chasing vodka with high fives
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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