at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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