she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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