You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
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My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize