you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
