My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
