I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
