it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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