she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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