last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
