Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
