Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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