he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
