i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
