Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
