Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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