ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
