Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
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