That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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