It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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