So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
