Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
My feet surprised me
Randomize