I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Randomize
