Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i just had sex bonerless
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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