My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
