I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
