Need sex. Gaining weight.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
