If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize