I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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