Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Randomize
