You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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