my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
