Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i think i have herpe
just one?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
