i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Randomize
