don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
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Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
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Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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