I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I need to stop coming to work sober
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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