i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
