Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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