I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
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The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
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Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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