she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
