Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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