i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
