Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
