I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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