Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
