OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
