My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
