So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
