I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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