I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
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My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
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Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I came so hard my ears popped.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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