also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
