this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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